Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Sportswriter: Boston Red Sox

Amid a sporting age plagued by bland and unimaginative nicknames (A-Rod, KG, etc.), the writers at Full Circuit Clout (one of whom is Westbrook's Hurdy Chadwick, which I hope is not a pseudonym) must be credited for attaching colorful and original nicknames to members of the "Boston Red Stockings Base Ball Club:"
  • "The Wonder" (Manny Ramirez: "[t]he Wonder of It All is not in the Mystic Region of Connecticut, but in the heroic beating chest of Slugger Ramirez.")
  • "The Colossus" (David Ortiz, "the one with fists as big as hams.")
  • "Lil' Hands" (Dustin Pedroia, "the pint-sized pugilist.")
  • "Square Face" (Jed Lowrie)
  • "Capt. Varitek" (Jason Varitek, "a hero whose leggings are stretched around thighs made so formidable by carrying the weight of the Bostons on his back for so many seasons.")
  • "Knuckles" (Tim Wakefield, "a veteran's veteran and true gentleman of the sport.")
  • "Nothin' Doin'" (Jon Lester, "a lad from the land of loggers, raised among the mists of Puget Sound and the timber-scented currents that blow down from the Cascades.")
  • "Ol' Aches and Pains" (J.D.Drew, "[a] double-fisted hero with talent to spare!")
  • "General" (Josh Beckett, possessor of "gallantry and grit.")
  • "High-Pockets" (Julio Lugo, who "stands at the dish with the countenance of a street urchin caught in the path of trolley car.")
  • "The Brawler" (Coco Crisp, another "pint-sized pugilist.")
  • "Yukon" (Kevin Youkilis, who is "whisker-powered.")
  • "Der Spiegel" (Curt Schilling, "the blond-and-paunchy one.")
  • "Dancin' Jonny" (Jonathan Papelbon, who is "clad in gray flannel to collect the souls of the unfortunate bats-men at the plate.")
  • "El Gordo" (Bartolo Colon, "the corpulent hurler.")
  • "Navajo" (Jacoby Ellsbury, "the gazelle of the roster.")
  • "Hoss" (Mike Timlin)
  • "The Shadow" (Hideki Okajima, "who lays damp noodle after damp noodle across the batting area")
  • "Two-Bags" (Mike Lowell)
  • "Applebags" (David Aardsma)
  • "Here I am!" (Craig Hansen)
  • "Gap Tooth" (David Pauley)
  • "Beanpole" (Clay Buchholz)
  • "Flash" (Kevin Cash)

The site, which features an awesome array of vintage photos, early-twentieth century (late-nineteenth century?) verbiage, and repeated references to the extinct Duffy's Pure Malt Whiskey (any relation to Duffy's Cliff?) is a must-read, despite the ubiquity of Red Sox-related commentary.

I mean, where else have you heard Alex Rodriguez (excuse me, A-Rod) referred to as "Slaps"?

- John C.L. Morgan

No comments: