Department of the Bizarre

For those who complain wedding notices are drafted from a cookie-cutter mold, here's an engagement notice worth reading from yesterday's PPH:

FREEPORT- Chelsea "Look At My Diplomas" Holden Baker and Noah "Hometown Hero"
DeLorme have decided to stop pretending they're even mildly interested in
other people and mate for life. Ms. Baker has received seals of approval from
Cornell and Columbia universities and has an impressive resume that includes
"talking a lot" and "attending parties" for some of San Francisco's hippest
companies. The groom-to-be dropped out of high school, three colleges, and is
currently an "underemployed" out-of-season "farmer" with no grammatical
understanding of quotation marks. Their children will be talented and
ridiculously good-looking,outshined only by their parents. The couple would like
to thank friends and family for the countless hours of therapy induced by each
other. In leiu of gifts please send whiskey, aged ten years, in commemoration of
their decade of on-again-off-again dating. Cannon report in Casco Bay will
announce the nuptials on Peaks Island during Labor Day weekend 2010.

- John C.L. Morgan